The Morning Report
by RunningDudeGuy
Summary: Who is Simba's real mother? Who is Nala's father? And why does Scar really hate his brother? This is a joke. We apologise for it Cowritten with Erulasse. I need my coffee


**This story was cowritten with Erulasse, my friend...we were ever so slightly tipsy. We have no excuse for this...except it's funny. Flames accepted - no, expected, but reviews are good too. Please don't tell us how stupid it is, we know. Apologies to Disney and all the characters in this. Okay...go...**

** Disclaimer: Neither RunningDudeGuy nor Erulasse own any of these characters except for the random meerkat. We do own the idea. **

* * *

Atop Pride Rock, the mighty king of the Pridelands and his cub sat, bathed in the rays of the rising sun. 

"Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom." smiled Mufasa.

"Wow!" Simba enthused.

"A king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here," his father explained, "and rise with you as the new king."

Simba's face fell for a minute, but then burst back into an innocent grin.

"And this'll all be mine?"

"Everything."

Simba started to stalk along the rock, his eyes soaking up every detail.

"Everything the light touches…" he muttered, and then his brow wrinkled in confusion. "What about that dark shadowy place?" Simba asked, extending a paw to the area in question.

"That's beyond our borders. You must never go there, Simba." He paused. "You might run into the pack of hyenas that live there. Their leader is called Shenzi. Shenzi Marie Predatora Veldetta Jacquelina Hyena." His voice took on an almost dreamlike quality, and then he shook his head and sighed. "And she's your mother."

"WHAT?"

"I said, um, you don't have a brother. Heh. Good job we got that sorted out. Now-"

"She's my mother!" screamed Simba incredulously.

"Um…no?"

"You shagged a hyena?"

"SIMBA! Language!" his father reprimanded him sternly.

"Sorry. YOU FUCKED A HYENA?"

"That's better."

"But, but Sarabi is my mother…isn't she?" Simba was almost begging now.

Mufasa put a paw on his shoulder. "Son, there's no easy way to tell you this, but it's gotta be told. It'll be difficult to tell you, but there's some things a lion just has to tell himself." He threw his head back towards the cave and yelled "SARABI!"

She raised an inquisitive and tired head, and plodded over. "What?"

"Tell Simba."

"Tell Simba **what**?" the lion queen asked, yawning.

"About you being his grandmother."

This was too much for Simba, and he fainted.

* * *

"Simba?"

He opened his eyes to find his father and mother standing over him.

"Aaargh! Get away from you hyena pervert!" he screamed, and he leapt backward.

"Now son, let's talk about this rationally…"

"I'm not your son! That'd make me…half HYENA!"

"Yes. And in my defence, everyone was doing it. You'll have some crazy fads when you're older, my boy."

"Shut up! Just shut up! Mum, he's lying… isn't he?"

Sarabi shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry Simba. We should have told you this a long time ago, but we just wanted to avoid the scandal. You see…" She sighed. "When I was younger, I was a princess of the pride, but then I met a beautiful hyena. He was so funny, always making me laugh, and he had a shaggy mane worthy of any lion. All the ladies loved him…but he created such a stir among the pride when he started hanging out with us girls. We were starved of the attention, 'cos there weren't that many males, and anyhow we were considered too young to even go on the hunt – it was a long time ago – so we were so excited when such a crazy cat started hanging with us."

"Crazy cat?"

"Never mind dear. So I remember all the laughs we had, hanging out in his cave by the waterhole – his ma was the matriarch so he got the premium pad even when he moved out – and then one night…he asked me to be his mate. Oh, it was truly wonderful. We sat all night beneath the moon, and planned our wedding. I couldn't wait to tell my mother."

Sarabi looked away sadly. "But she didn't want to know. She told me I was a disgrace, that no lion should ever marry a hyena, that she'd never let me. Worse of all, my mother told me if I married him, her heart would break and she'd never be able to talk to me again. So I had to tell him. It broke my heart to tell him. I watched as his eyes filled with tears, and then he ran away from me. They say he's gone insane now, poor thing, and I'm the only one who knows why.

I tried to get along without him but my heart was heavy. And then I realised – I was pregnant with twins."

Simba gasped. "Y-you too? B-but, b-b-b-b…" he blabbered.

"In the end I confided in my mother, who cried. What I learnt that night destroyed me, for you see…she too had loved a hyena."

He gasped again. "But that means…"

"My mother, Sarafina as you know her-"

"BUT THAT'S NALA'S MOTHER!"

"What about my mother?" asked Nala, bounding up.

Mufasa groaned. It had been such a promising day too.

* * *

"So, Simba's half hyena?" asked Nala again.

They all rolled their eyes. "YES, NALA. My god, you're so blonde!"

"HA! SIMBA, YOU'RE HALF HYENA! HA HA!" Nala doubled over in hysterical giggles, rolling around on her back.

"So are you, Nala." said Sarabi.

Nala's jaw dropped. She stood there for several minutes, just staring at them, blinking occasionally. "Oh my god. EWWW! SICKO!"

"Do you want me to finished the story or not?"

She sat down, tossing her fur, then blinking again.

"It wasn't long before my mother had told me everything. How I had a twin brother, raised by my father - who had died shortly before - They had christened him…um…Bonsai, I think." Sarabi said.

"Wasn't it Banzai?" interrupted Mufasa.

A meercat that had been ferreting around crept up behind them and started humming a pleasant tune. _"Dig a tunnel, dig, dig a tunnel…"_

"Fine. Banzai. Whatever." She turned to Nala, who had disgust written all over her face. "Banzai's your father."

Nala screamed as the meercat began singing louder, examining a leaf.

"I'm afraid Nala, it's true. No-one knows your mother, but he dropped you off here as a baby. It was the first and only time I saw my brother, but he told me lots about the night you arrived. He said –"

"_QUICK BEFORE THE HYENA CU-"_

"SHUT UP!" everyone screamed.

"Anyhow, my mother confessed I was illegitimate. She didn't know our father, didn't know anything. I was so hurt that she hadn't let me be with my hyena after doing it herself, but she told me she didn't want me to make the same mistakes. Despite her efforts, it was bare months before I gave birth to two adorable cubs – Mufasa and Scar."

Simba squeaked, Mufasa put a paw over his eyes, and Scar, who had rambled up, growled.

"Bloody hyena."

"SCAR! LANGUAGE!"

"Sorry Mum."

"You married your son?"

"You're skipping ahead."

"Why are we the only ones who didn't know about this? I'm beginning to wonder if there are any real lions in the Pridelands!" pondered Nala.

"Yes, well. Anyway," Sarabi continued, "it wasn't long before they were grown, and then – Mufasa and Scar met someone when they were out…and it was a hyena – Shenzi. Naturally, I was terrified. It scared me to think that my sons would suffer the same hurt. And so I tried to stop it, but it was too late. Both boys were now desperately in love with her."

"Who?" asked Simba.

Sarabi ignored him, and both Scar and Mufasa had the decency to look ashamed, scuffing the ground with their paws and blushing fiercely.

"It created such a rift between them that it began to tear me apart, so I made them fight it out once and for all, not keeping the pettiness. So they fought, and such a battle I've never seen, but-"

"I won." said Scar smugly.

"Yeah, but she doesn't love you."

"So?"

"She hates you."

"So?"

"I gave you something to remember it by!" his brother growled, motioning to Scar's namesake cut that ran down his face.

"What were you called before that, Uncle Scar?" asked Simba, feeling ill.

Scar muttered something under his breath.

"Taka!" said Mufasa gleefully. "Like the rubbish he is!"

His brother snarled loudly. "You always were a bully!" he growled.

"Oh boys, STOP BICKERING!"

* * *

"But it was too late," sighed Sarabi. "I welcomed her, but she didn't want to stay with us. So she left, but a while later she gave birth to a beautiful baby cub. We offered for her to come and stay with us, but she wanted nothing to do with it – for it wasn't Scar's, but Mufasa's."

"Not only did you fuck a hyena but you fucked your sister in law?" asked Simba of his father. "You sick pervert!"

His father muttered. "Oh, I did love Shenzi so, though. And I still do."

"Anyhow, she wanted the cub to be raised by us, so it was agreed that I should raise the cub as my own, and Mufasa should be it's father, so for the sake of the populace we should pretend to be married."

"That is **really** wrong." Commented Sarafina. "I always told you no good would come of it, my girl."

"Oh mum, you're such a hypocrite. That cub was you, Simba, and somewhere out there my dear Scar forces Shenzi to meet with him, Banzai lurks, and my beautiful, beautiful hyena…my Ed…"

"WHAT!" screeched the entire pride in unison.

"Oh, did I not say that? Yes, my boyfriend was Ed."

"My father was Ed?" screamed Scar, now hysterical.

"Yup."

"This is the sickest fanfic I have ever had the misfortune to be in!" shouted Mufasa.

"Don't blame me, blame the sick authors."

"What's a fanfic?" asked Simba pointedly.

There was a long pause. "I'll tell you when you're older, son."

Suddenly Zazu flew up, panting like a lunatic. "SIR! HYENAS IN THE PRIDELANDS!"

Everyone looked at each other.

"SHENZI!" screamed Mufasa, and he started to bound off.

"Not if I get there first, you fool! She's my wife!" Scar echoed, and the pair of them ran off the way Zazu had come.

"I'm so sorry Simba, Nala." Smiled Sarabi, without a trace of humour in her grin, "We only wanted to protect you."

Simba and Nala looked at each other, then looked at her.

"Whatever, dude."

* * *

**Okay...please don't kill us.**

**Yours,**

**Ben and Abbi. (RunningDudeGuy and Erulasse) **


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